I’m sure the majority, if not all of us, have or have had bad or mean thoughts at some point in our lives. In fact, many of these thoughts are expressed every day whether it be in real life or fiction. Fictionally it’s things like books, art, movies, tv shows, video games and such. Not all of them of course, mainly the fictional works that have darker themes. As horror and crime have become more mainstream, it gives people who have these dark thoughts an outlet to express them without coming across as there potentially being “something wrong with them.” In fact, it’s probably even encouraged to an extent because it’s been many years since the first thriller movies came out and with the amount of horror that now chugs through mainstream, it’s difficult to come up with stuff even more “shocking” than what’s already been done. While I go through phases of watching a lot of true crime, I’m not a fan of horror movies. Stuff that’s too gruesome or twisted gets trapped in my head and creates a dark cloud of, “how can there be such evil in the world?” In the real world these dark or mean thoughts are, unfortunately, usually expressed in the form of crime or bullies or through social media.
Now what’s a woman (or someone) like me supposed to do? I hold myself to some pretty high standards and don’t want others, especially family, to know that I struggle with depression. And a good person doesn’t speak unkindly. So dark thoughts are tightly bottled up and any mean thoughts shouldn’t be expressed. But once that dam is cracked it’s nearly impossible to seal it back up. After my son was born my postpartum depression and marital stress forced me to confide in my mom that dark places my thoughts sometimes go. But I hate to worry her so I don’t go into more detail than necessary or let her know how often these thoughts plague me. This is when it’s nice to have a therapist, though even then it can be hard to truly express myself. How do you let anyone know what you’re truly feeling or going through, because unless they can step inside your head words can only express so much. Emotions are so complicated and mixed I don’t believe any of us can really feel exactly what someone else is going through. A journal or pet is probably the best remedy for expressing oneself because you don’t have to hold back at all. I sometimes wonder if I should burn my old, filled journals. They’re mostly filled with repetitive thoughts but would be embarrassing if read by others, nonetheless.
I think that’s why I don’t mind characters like Blair from Gossip Girl, Damon from The Vampire Diaries, or Juliette from Nashville. They can be nasty and go too far sometimes, but you also always know where you stand with them and you pretty much always get the truth. They’re unashamedly hurtful and often act out of pettiness. While I wouldn’t promote their behavior or act that way myself, I think part of me does envy their freedom to express themselves exactly as they feel in the moment no matter how bad the words or behavior might be. Also, these characters are generally good beneath all the meanness so it’s different from a person that is just nasty to be nasty.
Random thought: memory is such a strange thing. I’m due to give birth to our daughter in two weeks, give or take. I remember the pain, the way it felt like my insides were dropping every time I stood up. But recalling the memory doesn’t conjure any pain. Now, recalling hurtful words can sometimes conjure emotional pain or other feelings. Isn’t that strange? Remembering how physically painful something was but not actually remembering the pain whereas remembering emotional pain can actually stir up the pain it caused? Unless it’s just me but I don’t think it is
Mikaela Nicole 