When I enter Shift into a contest, if there’s an option to pay extra for feedback, chances are I’ll pay for it–no matter how many times I’ve already gotten feedback. Maybe subconsciously I need validation that my writing is good, that I am qualified to write despite never taking lessons or having a title to back it up. I’ve finally accepted myself as a writer though. Every critique comes with “good” and “needs work,” I’m not going to continue seeking an elusive “it’s perfect!” review. Even my editor went from loving the cliffhanger ending to saying it’s too much. I’ll have to start borrowing from my younger siblings’ confident demeanors and believe that what I have to offer is good enough.
About a month ago I’d actually decided to give up writing for good. I wasn’t just feeling low, nothing I was doing seemed to have any value and I was angry with myself for “wasting” so much of my life on something that wasn’t going anywhere. Even though I don’t write for money or recognition, I haven’t been able to write for myself either in over a year. So what the heck was the point of writing at all? Of course, having firmly decided I was done, ideas were coming to me and I was itching to write in the precious, few moments I got of free time. Then this morning my brother was checking in on me, just wanting to know how things were going in my marriage (if we ever have a happily-ever-after it’ll be when we’re old I think, haha). One thing he told me though was how he would always—and still, he quickly added so I’m not sure if he was just being nice (if he didn’t anymore I wouldn’t be offended)—look up to me because I was so confident. He didn’t like hearing that I felt like I couldn’t do anything at all. I was so touched. We can all be a blessing in someone’s life but he, in particular, was a blessing in mine today. So I’m not going to give up writing after all. I’m also going to cut myself some slack. Half the problem was feeling like a failure because I was struggling to write at all, but I need to write my own way—everyone does.
It can also be frustrating when I read something by a famous author and it doesn’t come across as greater than anything I’ve written, perhaps more craft-fully written, but it does make their great heights appear more achievable.
Mikaela Nicole 